The smell of sunscreen and warm air. Languid nights that seem to last forever. Cool breezes that travel through loose-fitting clothing and condensation that drips from a chilled glass onto an appreciative limb. The beach. Yes, these are some of the delicious morsels of summer that our tired minds and bodies get to enjoy but for a few short months every year.
They are some of the delicious morsels of summer that our tired minds and bodies get to enjoy but for a few short months every year, that is, unless we are running for president, as unfortunately so many of us are. Then we have to spend our summer standing on a stage, or in some neighborhood deli, sweating in either a grotesque re-creation of what a nonpolitician would wear, or in some fuckin’ suit, enjoying none of summer’s morsels at all — not even the languid nights.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Ahead of Tuesday and Wednesday’s Democratic debates, we at the Cut have a message for pretty much just about everyone who is currently attempting to try to be president. Please take to heart its advice and react accordingly. Please, my hopeful friends, know this:
You can still enjoy a little bit of summer if you drop out right now.
Imagine this: You’re one of the guys whose name somebody hears in a list of the people running for president and they’re like, Who? One of those guys where it’s like, Is that a real name or are you joking? Seth Moulton or John Hickenlooper, for example, or Trey MacDougal, just kidding. (You recognize Trey MacDougal not because he is running for president but because he was briefly Charlotte’s husband on Sex and the City.) But, so, imagine you’re one of those guys and it’s mid-November, and you’re definitely not gonna be the Democratic nominee, just like you’re definitely not gonna be the Democratic nominee now. Except at this point in the future, it’s just about wintertime. “Seasons change … so do cities,” Carrie said, and indeed they do, but also indeed, you’re still just gonna be some guy where a person hears your name and they’re like, Who? Damn.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Drop out now; it’s fine. No one will notice and then you can go to the beach. Maybe you don’t even have to say anything — just kind of stop running, do sort of an “Irish” dropout. No one likes good-byes, anyway, especially from people who they don’t remember meeting in the first place. Imagine the relief.
“But what if I’m Beto O’Rourke?” you’re probably thinking. “People know me. Can’t I ruin my summer for no reason and take funding away from candidates who might actually be able to use it in a desperately necessary but likely futile attempt to defeat Donald Trump in 2020 if I’m Beto O’Rourke?” I wouldn’t advise it, no.
“Well, what if I’m not gonna be the nominee,” you’re thinking, “but celebrities like me and give me their money?” No!
“What if I’m Marianne Williamson, and I’m super-strange in I guess a sort of compelling way and—” STOP!
“What if I’m Steve Bullock?” WHO?
I’m not sure what your “damage” is, “Heather,” so to speak, but please stop running for president. It’s gonna stop being summer soon. And then it’s just gonna be cold.
This also goes for Joe Biden, thank you.
